Basis- & Leis­tungs­fach

Don’ts

Dos

In­sul­ting or threa­ten­ing your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner; ques­tio­n­ing so­meo­ne’s in­tel­li­gence.

1) Al­ways show re­spect for and be open to what your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner has to say, even if you don’t agree. Stop peop­le from over­step­ping your per­so­nal boun­da­ries wi­thout threa­ten­ing or in­sul­ting them.

Dis­re­spec­ting the sta­tus of your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner and your re­la­ti­ons­hip:

• being con­de­scen­ding or pa­tro­ni­zing
• pre­ten­ding you are clo­ser to so­meo­ne than you re­al­ly are (e.g. by cal­ling so­meo­ne you hard­ly know by their first name or as­king in­ap­pro­pria­te ques­ti­ons)

2) You and your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner are on eye level, which means:

• you may di­sagree or give ad­vice, but it is up to your part­ner to make de­ci­si­ons for him-/ her­s­elf
• even if you are con­vin­ced that you know bet­ter, you must re­spect that your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner has a dif­fe­rent opi­ni­on

It is vital that you re­spect the boun­da­ries that are set by the kind of re­la­ti­ons­hip bet­ween you and your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner (e.g. best fri­ends vs. teacher – stu­dent) in the way you ad­dress your part­ner, the ques­ti­ons you ask and the cri­ti­cism that you voice.

Re­proa­ching your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner wi­thout being aware of the whole pic­tu­re, es­pe­cial­ly if he or she is in a dif­fi­cult si­tua­ti­on.

3) Top rule: lis­ten to what your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner has to say about an issue. Show that you are not in­te­rested in pla­c­ing the blame, but in fin­ding so­lu­ti­ons to a pro­blem:

• ask ques­ti­ons to find out what ex­act­ly a given pro­ble­ma­tic si­tua­ti­on is like
• show em­pa­thy for your part­ner’s dif­fi­cul­ties and fee­lings in this si­tua­ti­on
• tell your part­ner how this si­tua­ti­on af­fects you/ makes you feel
• dis­cuss pos­si­ble so­lu­ti­ons or al­ter­na­ti­ves
• if pos­si­ble, offer your sup­port

Say­ing that fee­lings your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner has are wrong or not unim­portant.

4) En­cou­ra­ge you part­ner to tell how he/she feels. Don’t judge your part­ner!
Say how you feel (your part­ner may not know that!) and ask him/her not to judge you. Once fee­lings are outs­po­ken (even if they’re di­ver­gent), it is ea­sier to find a so­lu­ti­on.

Re­jec­ting any kind of cri­ti­cism by be­co­m­ing cy­ni­cal, iro­nic or ag­gres­si­ve.

Hiding your cri­ti­cism be­hind iro­ni­cal or cy­ni­cal re­marks.

Cri­ti­ci­ze your con­ver­sa­ti­on part­ner as a per­son (e.g. “You are al­ways so loud!”)

5) Show that you are open to cri­ti­cism as long as it is con­struc­tive. Ask ques­ti­ons about as­pects that are un­cle­ar to you. Show which as­pects of the cri­ti­cism you un­der­stand and which you would like to con­tra­dict. It shows strength to admit that you were wrong or that you need help!
Voice your cri­ti­cism open­ly, but in a way that shows that your cri­ti­cism

• is not about the per­son per se, but about his or her be­ha­vi­or in spe­ci­fic si­tua­ti­ons or events (“I felt un­com­for­ta­ble when you spoke so loud­ly about my pro­blem – it was ra­ther per­so­nal.”)
• is not about fault or put­ting the blame one-si­ded­ly; per­haps you cont­ri­bu­ted to the pro­blem yours­elf
• in­tends to im­pro­ve the si­tua­ti­on for ever­yo­ne

Being hy­po­cri­ti­cal/ dis­ho­nest.

6) Ho­nes­ty is the key to sol­ving a pro­blem, even if it so­me­ti­mes seems ea­sier to tell “white lies”. Alt­hough ho­nes­ty may de­s­troy the har­mo­ny in a re­la­ti­ons­hip mo­men­ta­ri­ly (and must the­re­fo­re so­me­ti­mes be post­po­ned), in the long run, it saves re­la­ti­ons­hips from es­tran­ge­ment and po­li­te in­dif­fe­rence.